Book Challenge

I came across this book challenge on someone else's blog and so I checked it out.  After looking at it, I figured that I could be a part of it, because I read plenty.  100 books in 1 year; that's an average of 2 books per week. 



2010 Reading Challenge--100+ books

conversations

Today I asked one of my good friends if she ever thinks out possible conversations in her head.  By this I mean, do you plan out what you would say if you have a particular conversation with someone?  She said that yes she does.  Then I asked if she ever actually says out load what she might or would like to say if there was an real conversation.  Again, she said that she does this.  I told her that I do too.  She said it doesn't make me crazy. 

The reason I brought this up with her and here in my blog is because last night I was having one of these "conversations."  I was actually saying some things that I would like to say to this friend (I mentioned it in the previous post).  I still haven't had a chance to discuss things with her.  I don't really want to do it to bring up the past; I just feel like I need a sense of "closer" on the whole issue.

Last night was a hard night for me; at least harder that it has been lately.  It was about 10:30 or so and I was thinking about what I would say to my friend and I just started crying.  Part of it was brought on by something I read on Facebook.  It's another one of those times when I know logically that I'm probably reading too much into things; while emotionally I feel hurt and jealous/envious.  I have a feeling that I was feeling sort of depressed last night because there was a slight lapse in my anti-depressant.  I had taken it two nights ago around 10:00 pm and last night I hadn't taken it yet when I had this short crying episode.  Can not taking it exactly 24 hours apart really have that much of a difference on my mood?  When I was thinking about this situation this morning, I didn't feel so depressed.  Sure, I felt slighty bothered, but I didn't feel like crying.  So I'm thinking my crying last night was probably the result of not taking my medicine right on time.

feeling left out

Due to some news that I found out from a couple of close friends a little over 2 weeks ago, a part of me is feeling left out.  While feeling left out is not a new feeling for me, it's frustrating this time because I feel like I shouldn't be the one who feels left out.  I'm the one who has done the "right" thing, so why should I be the one that feels left out. 

I haven't really talked to either of my friends about the information that they shared with me.  One of them I specifically think I need to talk to about the news.  We just haven't had the time in the last two weeks.  Things have been really busy; at the same time, sometimes it feels like things are different between us.  At times I feel "akward" around her.  It's like I want to address the situation and talk about the information that she shared with me, but we just haven't had a good opportunity.  Also, she's dealing with a lot of stuff in her own life, including in her marriage, so part of me doesn't want to add any pressure to the situation.  However, because it has been more than 2 weeks now since she shared her "story" with me, part of me has forgotten some of the things I wanted to say to her in the days soon after.  I did talk to my counselor that day she shared her story, so I was able to work through some of my issue with my counselor.  But I still feel like my friend and I need to discuss things. 

It's hard being in this place sometimes; where part of me wants for things to go back to how they used to be, while another part of me knows that things won't quite be the same again.  I'm just now sure how to find a balance between the two.

It's been awhile

So I know that it has been a while since I last posted....it's even been a while since I even logged on to read other people's blogs.  I guess I just haven't had the time (or, if I'm honest with myself, the desire to).  Tonight I got caught up on the blog of someone I actually know in "real" life.  It's a blog that is often hard to read; it usually makes me cry.  Ultimately though it makes me want to make better choices and reach out to others better.  It just seems to be slow going. 

Onto other things...last week I saw a picture of myself that was a huge reality check for me and my weight problem.  I did not look good in the picture...even though a friend told me that I looked okay, I think it look terrible.  Other the last few weeks I've told myself numerous times that I need to lose weight and get my butt in gear (no pun intended).  Well after seeing this picture, I really told myself that I need to get moving.  So this week I've been trying really hard to work out.  A friend and I have walked the past two days during lunch time (unfortunately we can only to this every other week because of our schedules).  I've also went walking in the evening by myself.  Each of the last two days I've walked for about 1 hour.  Now I'm just hoping that I can keep it up.  I know that I need to make this change...for a variety of reasons. 

Well I want to head to bed soon, so I can do my devotion (which is another thing that I'm trying to do every day now) and get plenty of sleep tonight.  I'm hoping to write again soon. 

God Bless-
singlelutheran

Two friends

A friend of mine from high school (I'll call her Anne) has recently become a Muslim. She grew up as a Roman Catholic, but at times she struggled with her faith and what she believed. Well I found out this past spring that she converted to Islam in March. I don't stay in a lot of contact with her. If I do talk with her it's over Facebook. I've struggled with what exactly to say to her and I'm having trouble understanding her decision. Well last night I finally asked her something about it on Facebook. Her responses to my questions today really shocked me and made me really realize how into this she is.

I'm still struggling with what exactly to say to her. A part of me wishes that I could easily change her mind. I know that I cannot do that. Only the Holy Spirit can change her heart. I'm just going to continue to pray for her and answer her questions that she has for me the best that I can and pray that the Lord will work through my responses. One of the questions she asked me is: "how do you know something is the truth if you do not have knowledge of what you believe is a lie?"

Onto another friend. This is a friend from college (I'll call her Shay). She's definitely my best friend from college and the one I stay in contact with the most (other than another girl I knew in college that I now work with and is now one of my best friends). Since we've graduated college, we've only seen each other a few times and it's always been for a short amount of time. I've really wanted her to come and visit me. She was planning on coming and visiting me in early August, the weekend before school started. She ended up not being able to come because she didn't have enough money. I was really understanding. I know that she's having financial problems and that money has been tight with her lately.

That's not what has made me feel hurt. I'm hurt because she couldn't afford to come and see me but she could afford to go up to the Twin Cities (she lives in Iowa) this weekend for Labor Day. She was going with another friend from college. Now I know that she had this trip planned before she planned on coming to visit me. Now the logical part of me knows that I shouldn't be hurt because she had this planned a while ago. But another part of me still hurts.

What hurts it that she didn't even originally think about coming to visit me over Labor Day weekend as a possibility, rather than going to Minneapolis. She doesn't now anyone that lives up there. They weren't going to see anyone in particular. They were just going to hang out and probably do some shopping. It also hurts because last year, her and a couple of college friends went to Chicago. Another place that they didn't know anyone in particular. They just went to do some sightseeing. Why don't they ever think to come and visit me? To go somewhere where they actually know someone? Why am I not thought of a possibility as a place to visit? It just hurts.

I know that I shouldn't find my contentment in my life from other people. I need to find it on my own (that's one of the things my counselor said this past week at our appointment). I need to find a way to keep my "cup" filled on my own. I cannot expect and need others to fill it. I'm trying to do that. I'm reaching out my "cup" wanting others to fill it with their words of affirmation and quality time (my primary love languages). Once I find a way to fill it on my own then the things from others will just be a bonus. I cannot be dependent on others. It was hard to hear this, but I know that it's true.

good thing...new glasses

So I figured it was about time that I write about something good...about a positive thing happening. Today I got a brand new pair of glasses. I've had my old ones for a little over 4 years. I was way past time to get some new ones. The new ones I picked out are different from the ones I had before. They are more square shaped with thicker frames. I was a little nervous about getting them...wondering what people would think. I did take a good friend with me to pick them out. Also the people at the eye doctor's were really good about helping me choose. Now that I actually have my new glasses and am wearing them, I LOVE them. I'm really glad that I picked them. I think they make me look more mature.

When I went and picked them up today, the lady helping me at the eye doctor's could tell that I was really happy with them. She commented, "You are just so happy." I guess it's just something different. Based on comments that I've received from people that have seen pictures of me in my new glasses, they look good to others too.

how do I appear?

Sometimes I often wonder if I complain TOO MUCH about the struggles going on in my life. I feel as if I spend too much time dwelling on the bad. I think that people pick up on this. I then wonder if this turns people away; if it makes people not like me?

I really wonder how I appear to other people. Not only how I appear to people in real life, but also how I appear to people who may be reading my blog. Do I come across the same way in both? Or do people see me differently?

To be perfectly honest, I'd like to know that people are reading my blog. I know that it may seem shallow and that I'm striving for attention. I think so much of this wish strives from me jus wanting to know that people care (in both my life and the blogging world). But am I driving people away by the focus and topics of my blog? Would I have more followers if I focused more on the positive things? Or should I remain real to myself?