pity party

The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me.  Two weeks ago something happened school related that really made me feel defeated.  I'm not going to go into it a lot on here, but let's just say that it didn't leave me with a lot of self confidence in my abilities as a teacher.  I really felt like someone had lost their confidence in my ability to do my job.

Tonight has also been difficult, because I've been thinking of that fact that I don't get to see any of my family for thanksgiving.  Holidays can be a difficult time for me because my family is so far away.  I know that I have been blessed with so much and that I get to see my family at Christmas, but it's hard to remember that when I see peoples' statuses/comments on Facebook about seeing family.  Thankfully I was invited somewhere for Thanksgiving.  It would have been much, much harder had I not been invited anywhere (like I was my first Easter here).

Tonight as I was watching a "Biggest Loser" special, I kept telling myself that I need start working out again!  I cannot let myself keep going down this road.  I've gained weight since the school year started and I need to reverse that.  I guess you could say that I was having a "pity party" for myself.  I was thinking about all the things I'm struggling with-my weight, never having been kissed or in a relationship, being away from family, still being lonely, school stuff, needing a new car (but not being able to afford one), low self-esteem.  

Thankfully I have a counseling appointment on Monday.  I guess I'll have a lot to tell her.

I do know that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!!  God has blessed me with so many wonderful things!!!  I just need to remember that!!!!!!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!!

God bless!!!!

In Christ,
SingleLutheran

start of a new year

So, the year 2010 has begun, and with it I reached another birthday.  My birthday was Jan. 1st.  I turned a fairly big milestone (at least I think so) during the 20s (no, it's not 21).  I was still up in Minnesota spending time with my family at this point.  The day started at midnight with me watching the countdown on the tv.  I was the only one still awake (my dad was in the living room, but he was sleeping).  So I went to bed with no big hoopla.  In the morning, I woke up to go to church with my family (parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew).  I got lots of birthday wishes at church, which was very nice.  For lunch we went to my aunt's house for pizza.  We hadn't seen her at the family Christmas earlier in the week.  We had pizza and a cheesecake.  They all sang "Happy Birthday" to me.  When it was time to go, my niece started crying, because she was going to miss me when I left.  This then made me start crying too.  I don't think I've ever cried that much before when having to say goodbye to everyone.  I was still crying as I got in the van that was taking me up to MSP airport.  I flew back, but didn't get back home until after midnight.  I did get lots of birthday wishes on Facebook (about 15-20) and a text from a friend (however, I didn't get a message from my best friend down here, until the next day).  So my birthday has come and gone with no major hoopla.  I know that this may not make a lot of sense, but I was hoping that it would be more.  Yes, I knew that because I was traveling that day that I wouldn't be able to do much (what my family did for me was just fine).  However, I was hoping that more people down here would have taken notice of it.  I guess birthdays have always been a touchy subject for me.  For a long time I've felt like I've gotten the short end of the stick.  No one around her (other than my best friend last night) has made any mention about my birthday.  I know that I'm probably expecting too much of other people, but it's just hard.

I just want to know that people care.  I guess I haven't felt like that much so far in 2010.  I've been rather depressed this past week.  I don't know if it's the lack of sunshine; if it's just the change from the busy times of the holidays.  It's so hard to know.  All I know is that I've got those feelings that no one cares again.  I know that I shouldn't depend on others for my happiness.  The logical side of me knows this, but the emotional side struggles with it.  I just want to scream.

It was also hard this week because some fellow teachers were mentioning about some of their children dating (their children happen to be close in age to me) different people and being in relationships.  This was hard for me.  I'm envious of what these other people have.  I wish that I had someone; that I didn't have to worry about whether or not I would ever meet someone.  As I say so many times, I have no prospects.  It's hard.  I'm at this age and I've never even kissed a guy!  Do you have any idea how depressing that sounds?  Again, I just want to say to these people, what about me?  Have you ever thought about trying to find a way for me?  I cannot do it on my own!  I don't know anyone!  Again, I just don't feel like people really care. 

Maybe I'm being to selfish and expecting too much of people.  I know that other people have their own lives and that they are busy.  I cannot expect them to hold my hand through life.  I cannot be fully dependent on them.  I like to think that I'm not; I would just like to know once in a while that they care.  I see them being their for other people; why can't they be there for me??

It's just one of those days (or maybe weeks) when I feel so lost and alone.  I feel like there isn't anyone I can share stuff with.

conversations

Today I asked one of my good friends if she ever thinks out possible conversations in her head.  By this I mean, do you plan out what you would say if you have a particular conversation with someone?  She said that yes she does.  Then I asked if she ever actually says out load what she might or would like to say if there was an real conversation.  Again, she said that she does this.  I told her that I do too.  She said it doesn't make me crazy. 

The reason I brought this up with her and here in my blog is because last night I was having one of these "conversations."  I was actually saying some things that I would like to say to this friend (I mentioned it in the previous post).  I still haven't had a chance to discuss things with her.  I don't really want to do it to bring up the past; I just feel like I need a sense of "closer" on the whole issue.

Last night was a hard night for me; at least harder that it has been lately.  It was about 10:30 or so and I was thinking about what I would say to my friend and I just started crying.  Part of it was brought on by something I read on Facebook.  It's another one of those times when I know logically that I'm probably reading too much into things; while emotionally I feel hurt and jealous/envious.  I have a feeling that I was feeling sort of depressed last night because there was a slight lapse in my anti-depressant.  I had taken it two nights ago around 10:00 pm and last night I hadn't taken it yet when I had this short crying episode.  Can not taking it exactly 24 hours apart really have that much of a difference on my mood?  When I was thinking about this situation this morning, I didn't feel so depressed.  Sure, I felt slighty bothered, but I didn't feel like crying.  So I'm thinking my crying last night was probably the result of not taking my medicine right on time.