Struggling Single Christian

The Impact of a Thank You!

2012-01-22T22:05:00.000-06:00

As a teacher and as a Christian I want to be supportive of my students (actually all students of the school). I want them to know that I care about them. I want to be visible to them outside of the school walls. Therefore I try to attend extra-curricular activities, especially sporting events, as much as possible.

Yesterday I went to some basketball games that students were playing in. The first couple of games included students that I teach everyday. I love being there to cheer them on! Often when they see me, they say hello and/or wave to me. I also went to a game for younger students. I had a parent tell me that he really appreciated that I was there to support the students (he had also seen me at the earlier games, as his daughter played in one and he was the coach). He made sure that his younger daughter told me thank you for coming to her game. It really made me feel like I was doing something good.

Then today I got another thank you from a parent (her daughter was on the younger team and her husband coached). She said that after the game a bunch of the girls were talking about how I was there! They just thought it was really cool! She said how much she appreciates it! I told her that I love watching the students play and try to see all the different teams play at least once (I am going to more games next weekend for some teams I haven't seen play yet).

The impact of those thank-yous were pretty big! It really made me feel like I am doing something important! In the past I have had someone within the school question my commitment and my priorities. I just wish this person could hear all the thank yous that I get in circumstances like this. While lesson planning and grading are important parts of being a teacher, I also think that showing students that I care about them (especially about them as more than just bodies in the classroom) is an important part of my vocation!

So I guess in response to those thank yous I say "You're welcome" and thank you for recognizing my dedication and commitment to the students and their families.

Have a blessed week in the Lord!

-SingleLutheran

Comments

2012-01-21T23:00:00.001-06:00

Wow! Two posts in one day....within less than an hour. You must be thinking wow!!

Well I wanted to just say thank you to those of you who read my blog and leave encouraging comments! I had realized before how many comments and encouraging words people have left for me. It really means a lot to me and will provide me further motivation to write on here more frequently.

Thanks again!!!!

Have a blessed week!

-SingleLutheran

Long, Long Time

2012-01-21T22:26:00.000-06:00

It has been a really, really long time since I wrote on here. At least a year and a half....not sure if anyone is even going to see this......

I've decided to write on here again because a couple of my friends on Facebook have blogs and they have recently mentioned them. That got me thinking about how I haven't written on here in a while. Lots of stuff has happened....yet some things have stayed the same.

As my blog title says, I have my struggles....some are new, some are not. I have had my struggles with my vocation over the past year. Things changed a lot this school year. I am teaching less classes....and helping in other ways instead (some of it by my choice, some not). I don't want to go into a lot of specifics on here, but let's just say it has been an adjustment for sure. I have spent a lot of time thinking about next year. Decisions are upon me and uncertainty awaits. It is hard to not knowing what is going to be happening over the next few months....at times I feel ready for it...other times I dread it. It is really just a big mixture of emotions.

Two months ago today, my maternal grandfather passed away from throat cancer. He was first diagnosed about a year ago. He underwent radiation and the treatment had worked. Then in September, they found out that he had a tumor again. His only option for treatment was surgery. It would have taken out his voice box and included a long recovery. Because my grandfather was 86 years old, he decided against surgery. He wanted to spend the last days, weeks, or months of his life at home on the farm. Hospice came in to help my grandmother take care of him. My brother and his family from New Mexico and I were planning on making a quick trip up to Minnesota for Thanksgiving to see him (in case something happened before Christmas). The Monday before Thanksgiving (we were going to get there on Wednesday) I received a phone call from my mom late at night (about 11pm). My grandfather had passed away that evening. So instead of getting to see my grandfather at Thanksgiving, we were there for his funeral. It was a good funeral and I know that he is now in heaven, free from pain. We have said, that I guess Grandpa wanted to make it convenient and cheaper for us.

I will leave it on that note tonight. Perhaps I will come back again soon.

-SingleLutheran

pity party

2010-11-24T22:17:00.000-06:00

The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me. Two weeks ago something happened school related that really made me feel defeated. I'm not going to go into it a lot on here, but let's just say that it didn't leave me with a lot of self confidence in my abilities as a teacher. I really felt like someone had lost their confidence in my ability to do my job.

Tonight has also been difficult, because I've been thinking of that fact that I don't get to see any of my family for thanksgiving. Holidays can be a difficult time for me because my family is so far away. I know that I have been blessed with so much and that I get to see my family at Christmas, but it's hard to remember that when I see peoples' statuses/comments on Facebook about seeing family. Thankfully I was invited somewhere for Thanksgiving. It would have been much, much harder had I not been invited anywhere (like I was my first Easter here).

Tonight as I was watching a "Biggest Loser" special, I kept telling myself that I need start working out again! I cannot let myself keep going down this road. I've gained weight since the school year started and I need to reverse that. I guess you could say that I was having a "pity party" for myself. I was thinking about all the things I'm struggling with-my weight, never having been kissed or in a relationship, being away from family, still being lonely, school stuff, needing a new car (but not being able to afford one), low self-esteem.

Thankfully I have a counseling appointment on Monday. I guess I'll have a lot to tell her.

I do know that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!! God has blessed me with so many wonderful things!!! I just need to remember that!!!!!!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!!

God bless!!!!

In Christ,
SingleLutheran

Gained????

2010-08-05T19:00:00.000-05:00

I was actually looking forward to my weigh in yesterday; I felt like I had lost some weight. Well, I gained 0.2 pounds!! I gained! Now, it know it's not a lot, but I've been taking at least a 1 hour walk everyday except for Sunday! I've also been trying to eat better, more veggies and smaller portions of the "bad" stuff. I was kind of frustrated when that happened. Thankfully my supportive friend, told me not to give up! When I talked to her on the phone, she told me to keep it up! I think what my be deterring my weight loss is my lack of sleep. I haven't been getting enough sleep for the last few weeks. I'm probably averaging 5-6 hours a night. I need to be getting at least 7, hopefully 8. They say getting enough sleep helps with weight lose. Another friend reminded me that I'm probably gaining muscle. I just know that I need to keep working at it. I'm going to try and add some variety in my workouts by doing a walking DVD at least a couple of mornings a week, because it adds some muscle strengthening.

Until next time, God bless everyone!
-Single Lutheran

summer so far

2010-07-29T22:18:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. It's been a while since I've even logged on and read some other blogs. I guess it just haven't "felt" like it the last few months. Don't ask me why. These past few days I've been thinking about the blogging world and decided that I want to start being a part of it again.

Here are some things that have been going on in my life lately:

The school year ended and I'm now preparing for the next one. We start 3 weeks from today. I have a lot to do in that amount of time. Things are going to be changing for me a little this year. I'm going to be teaching some different subjects (more social studies classes). I'm excited, because I love social studies, but it is going to take some extra planning at first.

My summer has gone by fast. I went "home" for a couple of weeks near the end of June and beginning of July. I spent time with my family. It was good to see my parents and spend some time with them. My mom and I got along pretty well while I was there. We only got into a heated "talk" a time or two, which is better than other times. I was awesome to see my brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew. The kiddos are growing so much and are as adorable as ever!! I just absolutely love them and wish that I could see them more often. The week that they were at my parents house we kept plenty busy, including spending time with the extended families. It was great!

The day after I returned down south, a friend from college came to visit. It was so great to spend some quality time with her. She decided that she wanted to help me clean my bedroom (since it was a major mess when she got here). She helped me do that and some other organizing/cleaning in my apartment. I've also started doing some more decorating. I've still got some stuff to finish up that we started while she was here.

This friend and I are working together to loss weight (she doesn't have as much to lose, since she's been on weight watchers for a few years). Every day we email each other what we ate that day and if we exercised any. We have been doing that for two weeks and in that two weeks I've lost about 2.5 pounds. I've been trying to workout pretty much everyday. In the last week and a half, I've went on a walk 9 times. At least 7 of these times I've walked for one hour (or more). I'm just hoping that I can keep up the working out once school starts. It's going to be tricky, since I won't have as much time in the morning to walk outside due to having to be at school on time. I think I'll have to start using my workout videos again. My short-term goal is to be down 7 lb more by labor day (that would be about 9 pounds total).

The rest of the summer I've been trying to relax and filling in some at summer camp at school. It's been nice to earn some extra money. Plus, if I have stuff to do occasionally, then I plan and manage my time better. I've spent some time with friends here, but not a ton. One friend has been gone one business part of the summer. The other friend has been going through a lot, so she's been traveling to see family and spending lots of time with her husband. At times, it's been hard and I have felt left-out. I know that this is just an emotional response. Logically and rationally I know that she's going through a lot (I talked with my counselor about this a lot at my last appointment).

Okay, it is time to email my friend what I ate today and then head to bed (read my book first, then sleep). I hope to come back again soon! Take care and God bless everyone!!
-Single Lutheran

It's hard

2010-03-27T21:21:00.000-05:00

It's hard exactly put into words how I've been feeling lately. It seems like a lot of thoughts have been going through my head since the last time I wrote anything on here. I can remember thinking in the past few weeks "I should write something in my blog about this" but never actually getting around to it. I don't particularly like when that happens. Sometimes I think that happens with my therapy appointments. I think of stuff I could talk about in-between appointments, but then I can't always remember them when I actually go to the appointment. I'm just going to start somewhere and see here it takes me.

School-It has been kind of busy and crazy. A lot is going to be happening between now and the end of the school year. We've been back in school a week since spring break and it was a exhausting week just trying to get back into the swing of things. This following week is going to be busy too. I've just got tons of stuff going on.

Spring Break-I didn't go anywhere for break. I just stayed here and tried to get some work done. I did get some time to relax and work on some extra school-related stuff. I didn't get everything done that I wanted to (like my taxes, which I finally did on Thursday instead). It was kind of a lonely week because my two closest friends here were both gone (one was visiting family, the other was on a business trip). That made parts of my break very hard. I just didn't have a chance to really do anything socially. I just wish that I could reach out more to others, or that they would reach out to me more. I wish that I would have had enough money to go visit my brother and his family. Then I could have spent lots of time with my niece and nephew. I guess I'll just have to settle for seeing them this summer when I go visit my parents. At this point I don't think I'll be able to make a separate trip to New Mexico to visit them.

Friends-Do you ever feel like your best friends don't want to spend time with you? It seems like lately I've been feeling that way. It seems like my best friend down here and I don't do much together anymore. There are times when I would like to do something together, but so often she has other plans. I've been feeling like she's willing to take the time to make plans with other people but not with me. I know I can't expect to be able to do something with her all the time, it just seems like the amount of time we are able to spend together gets less and less. Another friend (one from college) is hopefully going to be moving closer to me this summer (only 4 1/2 hours away instead of 7). I'm hoping that this means we'll be able to see each other a bit more. I'm hoping that she'll come and visit me sometime, since she's only been here to see me once in the 3 years I've lived here (and that was for only about 12 hours). I do get frustrated though because she does take trips to other places and even mentioned something about going to visit a friend out in South Carolina this summer (which is probably at least 3 times farther than coming to visit me). I just feel like people don't see me as someone they really want to spend time with. I don't feel like I'm on their "priority" list. Thats a hard thing to deal with, when I so badly want to know that people care about me.

my time???

2010-03-07T21:08:00.000-06:00

When will it be my time? When will it be my time to finally meet a guy? How much longer am I going to have to wait? Does anyone have any idea how hard it is for me when I don't have any similar experiences to what you are talking about? Do you have any idea how pathetic I feel that I'm in my mid twenties and I've only been on 1 date! I wish that I could move past these feelings. Sometimes it doesn't bother me as much, but lately it has again.

Okay, onto another topic. I've been doing awful at my weight loss plan the last few weeks! I haven't been working out and I haven't been tracking my calories. It seems that I've gotten so busy and after being sick, I've lost the motivation! I know that I need to get up in the morning and start working out again!!!!

crazy week

2010-01-28T19:41:00.000-06:00

So it's Thursday and this has been an interesting week. First of all, we don't have school tomorrow due to ice and snow. So I'm stuck at home....wait it's really not my home. I'm actually house-sitting/teen-sitting for the next five days. It will probably be good for me to have some interaction with other people over the next few days. Plus, they have cable at their house.

Because we were pretty sure that we weren't going to have school tomorrow, today was a pretty laid back day at school. The first part of the week was busy with the normal stuff of choir and Wednesday night at church. On Monday I had a counseling appointment and then a meeting for church stuff. We ended up having our meeting at a resturant. I spent a lot of time deciding what to eat at the resturant (it was Mexican), so I could eat something healthy. I ended up eating a chicken fajita salad. It was good and really healthy.

I've worked out everyday this week (except Sunday) for at least 30 minutes. Wednesday morning when I did my weigh in, I'd lost just over 3 pounds. That put me at exactly 6 pounds in two weeks. Now I know that future weeks won't all be like this, but it gives me a lot of hope that I can do this. It just helps with my motiviation.

Take care and God bless!!

weight loss update

2010-01-20T21:10:00.000-06:00

This morning was my weekly weigh in. Since last Tuesday night, I've lost 2.4 pounds!! I was just so excited. It's going to keep me working out and working on eating better (I think that is an area I could still make some more improvements.)

On Monday I came across the website sparkpeople.com on another blog. It mentioned that I could count calories, so I decided to check it out. I love it! I've spent a lot of time on it the last couple of days. It lets me keep track of my nutrition and fitness. Plus it lets me make other goals. I just love that it's a place I can not only get more information, but also track my progress.

Until next time! Take care!

Soup

2010-01-18T21:24:00.002-06:00

I love soup! Especially during this time of year! Today I bought 6 cans of soups just to leave at work, so I can eat them through out the week for lunch. It's so good and refreshing.

Check out this contest for a chance to win some free soup:
http://www.myallnaturalweightloss.com/progresso-souper-you-debut/998/

Reflections on my weekend

2010-01-17T23:12:00.000-06:00

It's a Sunday night and I'm up later than I normally would be, but that's because I don't have work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the day off, but I still have plenty to do. At least I did accomplish some stuff this weekend.

Yesterday morning I did a 3-mile walking DVD in the morning. Today I went for a walk outside (because it was a really nice day and I figured I could use some sunshine) for about 30 minutes. I've now worked out everyday since Tuesday (6 days). I feel like I have more energy during the day. Today I didn't work out in the morning. Instead I went for my walk this afternoon. I could tell a difference earlier in the day after church. I just didn't have as much energy. I ended up not taking a nap at all this weekend. Usually I take at least 1 nap a weekend (almost always on Sunday and sometimes on Saturday). I'm looking forward to working out again in the morning. Because I don't have to do to work, I'll have more time for a longer work out.

Yesterday I spent time at basketball games at school. Some of my students were playing. Four different teams from my school played, but unfortunately none of them won. But it was still good to be there.

This morning I sang on worship team during second service. Thankfully over the next three months, I'll only be singing on worship team once a month. Two times a month was just getting to be too much in combination with singing at least once a month with the church choir. I do like to be able to sit by my friends in the pew a time or two a month. Sometimes I just feel more in fellowship when I'm sitting with them. I know that probably shouldn't be the case, but it is. I especially feel that way when I sing on worship team, because when I sit in the pew during the sermon, I'm usually sitting along. It's just different (and I usually don't like being alone).

Today I also go caught up on my grading and I got it all recorded in the gradebook (on the computer). It feels so great when I stay caught up on my grading. I know it makes things easier and less stressful during the week. I just have to make sure I keep up with it for the rest of the year. Usually things get harder the farther into the quarter it gets.

One thing I didn't get much done on this weekend, was the chapel message I need to write by Tuesday. My class is going to be doing the message during school chapel on Wednesday, so I have to write the message. I have somewhat of an idea, but I haven't written anything yet. My class needs time to practice on Tuesday, so I'll have to write it tomorrow. Thankfully after church today I do have a little more idea of what I want the topic/theme of the message to be. I plan on going up to school tomorrow afternoon and working on it there (I think I'll get more done there than here at home).

Well it is getting late (at least for me), so I'm going to head to bed. I plan on writting again soon (probably on Tuesday or Wednesday after I do my weekly weigh-in).

Second day

2010-01-13T21:51:00.000-06:00

Yesterday and today I've come across a large number of great blogs dealing with weight loss. Because of this, I've decided to focus more of my blog on my weight loss struggle. I'm hoping that it will be an additional way to help keep me on track.

So here is a little update:

Today was my second day in a row of getting up a little earlier in the morning and working out for a little over 20 minutes. Both days I've done a 1 mile walk DVD. I'm trying not to start to fast with exercising and wearing myself out. I'm going to try and work myself up to longer workouts. Also, today I have drank about 9 1/2 glasses of water (granted I just discovered that I should drink more like 12 glasses for my weight). I'm working on the working out and the drinking water.

Also, I'm trying to just move a little more at school. Sometimes I'm just going to take the long way to get to the office or the printer. I also don't want to spend so much of my school day at my desk. After I've been sitting there for a while, I'm going to remind myself to get up and walk around for a little bit. Also, rather than sitting on my stool in front of the class, I'm going to try and stand more and move around the room.

I also know that it's important to not completely cut out foods that I want. But I do know that I need to indulge in them less often. I shouldn't be eating 5 pieces of chocolate 2 times a day.

I've also started a food journal. I did this for a few weeks during college, and it really seemed to help. Today was my first day doing that.

Take care and God bless!!!

-Single Lutheran

weight struggle

2010-01-11T20:33:00.000-06:00

Something that I have struggled with most of my life is my weight. I've always wanted to do something about it, and at times I've started to, but I've never really seem to gotten anywhere. Well, I've decided that now is the time to really make a change! I'm going to improve my weight and my physical body this year! I don't want my weight to be a constant struggle for me anymore. I'm currently at the highest weight that I've ever been at. Since this school year started, I've gained at least 10 pounds. In the last year, I've gained more than 20 pounds. I don't want to be in this situation anymore. I'm going to change.

I'm hoping to keep the people (few as it may be) who read this up to date on my progress. I'm hoping that will help keep my even more motivated to stick with the changes I need to make in my life.

start of a new year

2010-01-09T21:37:00.001-06:00

So, the year 2010 has begun, and with it I reached another birthday. My birthday was Jan. 1st. I turned a fairly big milestone (at least I think so) during the 20s (no, it's not 21). I was still up in Minnesota spending time with my family at this point. The day started at midnight with me watching the countdown on the tv. I was the only one still awake (my dad was in the living room, but he was sleeping). So I went to bed with no big hoopla. In the morning, I woke up to go to church with my family (parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew). I got lots of birthday wishes at church, which was very nice. For lunch we went to my aunt's house for pizza. We hadn't seen her at the family Christmas earlier in the week. We had pizza and a cheesecake. They all sang "Happy Birthday" to me. When it was time to go, my niece started crying, because she was going to miss me when I left. This then made me start crying too. I don't think I've ever cried that much before when having to say goodbye to everyone. I was still crying as I got in the van that was taking me up to MSP airport. I flew back, but didn't get back home until after midnight. I did get lots of birthday wishes on Facebook (about 15-20) and a text from a friend (however, I didn't get a message from my best friend down here, until the next day). So my birthday has come and gone with no major hoopla. I know that this may not make a lot of sense, but I was hoping that it would be more. Yes, I knew that because I was traveling that day that I wouldn't be able to do much (what my family did for me was just fine). However, I was hoping that more people down here would have taken notice of it. I guess birthdays have always been a touchy subject for me. For a long time I've felt like I've gotten the short end of the stick. No one around her (other than my best friend last night) has made any mention about my birthday. I know that I'm probably expecting too much of other people, but it's just hard.

I just want to know that people care. I guess I haven't felt like that much so far in 2010. I've been rather depressed this past week. I don't know if it's the lack of sunshine; if it's just the change from the busy times of the holidays. It's so hard to know. All I know is that I've got those feelings that no one cares again. I know that I shouldn't depend on others for my happiness. The logical side of me knows this, but the emotional side struggles with it. I just want to scream.

It was also hard this week because some fellow teachers were mentioning about some of their children dating (their children happen to be close in age to me) different people and being in relationships. This was hard for me. I'm envious of what these other people have. I wish that I had someone; that I didn't have to worry about whether or not I would ever meet someone. As I say so many times, I have no prospects. It's hard. I'm at this age and I've never even kissed a guy! Do you have any idea how depressing that sounds? Again, I just want to say to these people, what about me? Have you ever thought about trying to find a way for me? I cannot do it on my own! I don't know anyone! Again, I just don't feel like people really care.

Maybe I'm being to selfish and expecting too much of people. I know that other people have their own lives and that they are busy. I cannot expect them to hold my hand through life. I cannot be fully dependent on them. I like to think that I'm not; I would just like to know once in a while that they care. I see them being their for other people; why can't they be there for me??

It's just one of those days (or maybe weeks) when I feel so lost and alone. I feel like there isn't anyone I can share stuff with.

2 Hs....halfway done and homeschooling

2009-12-18T22:30:00.001-06:00

Today was the last day of 2nd quarter. That means that this school year is halfway done. I cannot really believe it, because it has went by so fast. We had our Christmas party starting at noon. It was a good time of food and gifts. I got some really cool gifts from my students. I am truly thankful!!! Many of my students really liked the gift that I gave them: a cookie cutter and sugar cookie mix. A parent even called me tonight and said how much they appreciated it! They thought it was such a cool idea! That was just really the icing on the cake today.

Today was also bittersweet because one of my students won't be coming back after Christmas break. Her and her older sister (7th grade) are going to be homeschooled by their mom starting in January. This girl was a new student at our school this year. I think she was doing very well in my class, both academically and socially. I know that many of the students in my class are going to miss her. Another girl even started crying today when she had to say good-bye. I know that this girl isn't leaving because of anything that I've done (or haven't done), but it's still hard. I still feel like I've failed in some way (even though the decision was made more for the older sister). I really wonder how the mom is going to do at homeschooling.

I have somewhat mixed feelings about homeschooling. While I think some people do a great job at it and it greatly helps their children, others I don't think have the necessary experience for it. I know what it's like to teach students day after day. I went to college for 4 years to prepare for this job and I still don't know everything. There are still some days that I'm still figuring out how to teach different concepts. I just worry that some parents choose homeschooling without thinking about if they are prepared for the academic part of it. If someone has very little to no knowledge of what to teach or how to teach, how can they do an acceptable job.

Now don't get me wrong, I think some children can thrive in homeschooling situations. I've known people that were homeschooled and they've done very well. I also currently know some people. On the other hand, I also know of some situations in which the child has not done well, or really struggled when they've entered a traditional school. I just feel like a lot has to be thought about when thinking about homeschooling...just loving your child a lot and being a good Christian does not necessarily mean that you are going to be great at homeschooling. I think if you reduce the qualifications for good teaching to these things, you lose the respect for the teacher.

As a teacher, I think that would greatly hurt our society, and would lead to more and more teachers truly not caring about what they do.

-In Christ
SingleLutheran

P.S.-I don't mean to offend anyone or their decisions. I'm merely stating my opinion from a teacher's perspective.

Book Challenge

2009-11-21T00:12:00.000-06:00

I came across this book challenge on someone else's blog and so I checked it out. After looking at it, I figured that I could be a part of it, because I read plenty. 100 books in 1 year; that's an average of 2 books per week.

2010 Reading Challenge--100+ books

conversations

2009-11-14T22:17:00.001-06:00

Today I asked one of my good friends if she ever thinks out possible conversations in her head. By this I mean, do you plan out what you would say if you have a particular conversation with someone? She said that yes she does. Then I asked if she ever actually says out load what she might or would like to say if there was an real conversation. Again, she said that she does this. I told her that I do too. She said it doesn't make me crazy.

The reason I brought this up with her and here in my blog is because last night I was having one of these "conversations." I was actually saying some things that I would like to say to this friend (I mentioned it in the previous post). I still haven't had a chance to discuss things with her. I don't really want to do it to bring up the past; I just feel like I need a sense of "closer" on the whole issue.

Last night was a hard night for me; at least harder that it has been lately. It was about 10:30 or so and I was thinking about what I would say to my friend and I just started crying. Part of it was brought on by something I read on Facebook. It's another one of those times when I know logically that I'm probably reading too much into things; while emotionally I feel hurt and jealous/envious. I have a feeling that I was feeling sort of depressed last night because there was a slight lapse in my anti-depressant. I had taken it two nights ago around 10:00 pm and last night I hadn't taken it yet when I had this short crying episode. Can not taking it exactly 24 hours apart really have that much of a difference on my mood? When I was thinking about this situation this morning, I didn't feel so depressed. Sure, I felt slighty bothered, but I didn't feel like crying. So I'm thinking my crying last night was probably the result of not taking my medicine right on time.

feeling left out

2009-11-04T21:07:00.000-06:00

Due to some news that I found out from a couple of close friends a little over 2 weeks ago, a part of me is feeling left out. While feeling left out is not a new feeling for me, it's frustrating this time because I feel like I shouldn't be the one who feels left out. I'm the one who has done the "right" thing, so why should I be the one that feels left out.

I haven't really talked to either of my friends about the information that they shared with me. One of them I specifically think I need to talk to about the news. We just haven't had the time in the last two weeks. Things have been really busy; at the same time, sometimes it feels like things are different between us. At times I feel "akward" around her. It's like I want to address the situation and talk about the information that she shared with me, but we just haven't had a good opportunity. Also, she's dealing with a lot of stuff in her own life, including in her marriage, so part of me doesn't want to add any pressure to the situation. However, because it has been more than 2 weeks now since she shared her "story" with me, part of me has forgotten some of the things I wanted to say to her in the days soon after. I did talk to my counselor that day she shared her story, so I was able to work through some of my issue with my counselor. But I still feel like my friend and I need to discuss things.

It's hard being in this place sometimes; where part of me wants for things to go back to how they used to be, while another part of me knows that things won't quite be the same again. I'm just now sure how to find a balance between the two.

It's been awhile

2009-11-03T21:50:00.000-06:00

So I know that it has been a while since I last posted....it's even been a while since I even logged on to read other people's blogs. I guess I just haven't had the time (or, if I'm honest with myself, the desire to). Tonight I got caught up on the blog of someone I actually know in "real" life. It's a blog that is often hard to read; it usually makes me cry. Ultimately though it makes me want to make better choices and reach out to others better. It just seems to be slow going.

Onto other things...last week I saw a picture of myself that was a huge reality check for me and my weight problem. I did not look good in the picture...even though a friend told me that I looked okay, I think it look terrible. Other the last few weeks I've told myself numerous times that I need to lose weight and get my butt in gear (no pun intended). Well after seeing this picture, I really told myself that I need to get moving. So this week I've been trying really hard to work out. A friend and I have walked the past two days during lunch time (unfortunately we can only to this every other week because of our schedules). I've also went walking in the evening by myself. Each of the last two days I've walked for about 1 hour. Now I'm just hoping that I can keep it up. I know that I need to make this change...for a variety of reasons.

Well I want to head to bed soon, so I can do my devotion (which is another thing that I'm trying to do every day now) and get plenty of sleep tonight. I'm hoping to write again soon.

God Bless-
singlelutheran

Two friends

2009-09-05T18:38:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine from high school (I'll call her Anne) has recently become a Muslim. She grew up as a Roman Catholic, but at times she struggled with her faith and what she believed. Well I found out this past spring that she converted to Islam in March. I don't stay in a lot of contact with her. If I do talk with her it's over Facebook. I've struggled with what exactly to say to her and I'm having trouble understanding her decision. Well last night I finally asked her something about it on Facebook. Her responses to my questions today really shocked me and made me really realize how into this she is.

I'm still struggling with what exactly to say to her. A part of me wishes that I could easily change her mind. I know that I cannot do that. Only the Holy Spirit can change her heart. I'm just going to continue to pray for her and answer her questions that she has for me the best that I can and pray that the Lord will work through my responses. One of the questions she asked me is: "how do you know something is the truth if you do not have knowledge of what you believe is a lie?"

Onto another friend. This is a friend from college (I'll call her Shay). She's definitely my best friend from college and the one I stay in contact with the most (other than another girl I knew in college that I now work with and is now one of my best friends). Since we've graduated college, we've only seen each other a few times and it's always been for a short amount of time. I've really wanted her to come and visit me. She was planning on coming and visiting me in early August, the weekend before school started. She ended up not being able to come because she didn't have enough money. I was really understanding. I know that she's having financial problems and that money has been tight with her lately.

That's not what has made me feel hurt. I'm hurt because she couldn't afford to come and see me but she could afford to go up to the Twin Cities (she lives in Iowa) this weekend for Labor Day. She was going with another friend from college. Now I know that she had this trip planned before she planned on coming to visit me. Now the logical part of me knows that I shouldn't be hurt because she had this planned a while ago. But another part of me still hurts.

What hurts it that she didn't even originally think about coming to visit me over Labor Day weekend as a possibility, rather than going to Minneapolis. She doesn't now anyone that lives up there. They weren't going to see anyone in particular. They were just going to hang out and probably do some shopping. It also hurts because last year, her and a couple of college friends went to Chicago. Another place that they didn't know anyone in particular. They just went to do some sightseeing. Why don't they ever think to come and visit me? To go somewhere where they actually know someone? Why am I not thought of a possibility as a place to visit? It just hurts.

I know that I shouldn't find my contentment in my life from other people. I need to find it on my own (that's one of the things my counselor said this past week at our appointment). I need to find a way to keep my "cup" filled on my own. I cannot expect and need others to fill it. I'm trying to do that. I'm reaching out my "cup" wanting others to fill it with their words of affirmation and quality time (my primary love languages). Once I find a way to fill it on my own then the things from others will just be a bonus. I cannot be dependent on others. It was hard to hear this, but I know that it's true.

good thing...new glasses

2009-08-18T20:22:00.001-05:00

So I figured it was about time that I write about something good...about a positive thing happening. Today I got a brand new pair of glasses. I've had my old ones for a little over 4 years. I was way past time to get some new ones. The new ones I picked out are different from the ones I had before. They are more square shaped with thicker frames. I was a little nervous about getting them...wondering what people would think. I did take a good friend with me to pick them out. Also the people at the eye doctor's were really good about helping me choose. Now that I actually have my new glasses and am wearing them, I LOVE them. I'm really glad that I picked them. I think they make me look more mature.

When I went and picked them up today, the lady helping me at the eye doctor's could tell that I was really happy with them. She commented, "You are just so happy." I guess it's just something different. Based on comments that I've received from people that have seen pictures of me in my new glasses, they look good to others too.

how do I appear?

2009-08-08T22:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I often wonder if I complain TOO MUCH about the struggles going on in my life. I feel as if I spend too much time dwelling on the bad. I think that people pick up on this. I then wonder if this turns people away; if it makes people not like me?

I really wonder how I appear to other people. Not only how I appear to people in real life, but also how I appear to people who may be reading my blog. Do I come across the same way in both? Or do people see me differently?

To be perfectly honest, I'd like to know that people are reading my blog. I know that it may seem shallow and that I'm striving for attention. I think so much of this wish strives from me jus wanting to know that people care (in both my life and the blogging world). But am I driving people away by the focus and topics of my blog? Would I have more followers if I focused more on the positive things? Or should I remain real to myself?

my vibe????

2009-08-04T21:28:00.000-05:00

Now, to some people this post may seem rather strange, or irrational. But it's just my thoughts on something that happened today. I was traveling back from New Mexico. On one of my flights back, both of the seats next to me were empty (I was flying Southwest, so people get to choose their seats). From what I could tell, the other rows had numerous people in them. As people came on after me (I was sitting in a window seat), numerous people passed me or looked around at the seats near me when choosing a seat. I couldn't help but wonder if I put off a certain "vibe" that people don't want to sit near me. I know that I shouldn't feel sad or slightly depressed that perfect strangers didn't want to sit in the same row as me (it didn't even have to be right next to me), but I still have questions. Is it the way I look? Is is the expression on my face? Is it what I'm wearing? What is it that makes them choose another seat?

Like I said, at the beginning of this post, this may not make sense to people. It was just something that I thought off on my flight today.

before vacation

2009-07-28T22:38:00.000-05:00

I thought that I'd write a quick entry tonight, because I probably won't be able to write an entry for about a week. I'm leaving tomorrow for a short vacation. I'm going to New Mexico to see my older brother and his family, including my adorable niece and nephew. I'm really excited to see them, even though I saw them earlier this summer for about 3 days. I love any chance that I have to see them though because I usually only see them during the summer and at Christmas time.

It's hard sometimes being far away from them. I'd love to see them more often, but our schedules just don't allow for it, plus I cannot afford to fly out there very often (and my current car probably wouldn't make it that far). Lets just say when I do see them, I take lots and lots of pictures. I probably took like 100 when I saw them earlier this summer up in Minnesota (we were all there at my parents). I'll be taking a bunch more this time too. That way I can look at them between the times I actually get to see them.

I've been looking forward to this trip for a while. It should be a good time; we're not doing anything really exciting, maybe going to the zoo. I'm perfectly fine with that, because I'm going more to spend time with the kids than to sightsee.

Well I should be heading to be, since I have to be up early in the morning for my flight.

Take care and God Bless!!

In Christ-
SingleLutheran

Are my "storms" really that bad?

2009-07-26T19:27:00.000-05:00

Today's sermon at church is really was inspired this entry. The sermon was about the "storms" of life that we face and how Jesus helps us through them. This really made me reflect on my life, my reliance on God during the difficult times, and even the problems others face.

During the sermon the vicar shared a story of a family friend that had just lost their 6-month old son to SIDS this past Friday. This of course made me (and I'm sure many others) think of the fact that the vicar's 5th child was stillborn last fall. A huge part of me felt sad when he was sharing this story. I also felt guilty, because I know that I complain about so many things in my life and I feel like my life is so hard, when its really nothing compared to what these families have gone through.

I also have a friend, who is married, and lately it seems that her and her husband are having some difficulties. I'm supportive of her and am always willing to listening. But as I was sitting next to her in church today, I couldn't help but feel guilty. Are my problems really that bad compared to hers?

I just said to myself, I shouldn't make such a big deal of the things I have to deal with. A part of me knows that they are serious for me and everyone has their own and different difficulties and struggles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, while this sermon made me reflect on some of the "storms" in my life, it also made me recall the problems of others. I think that I have a tendency to be a little too self-centered when it comes to my problems. Sometimes I'm so consumed in my own problems, that I forget that others are going through tough times.

I just pray that the Lord will help me to not only work through my own struggles, but to also be compassionate to others and their struggles and be helpful and supportive when needed.

When I'm going through a difficult time, I'll admit that I don't always immediately turn to God. Sometimes it escapes me for a while. I think part of it is an issue of trust. There have just been times in my life when things haven't turned out the way I want them to, so I guess I just find it hard to trust. Now I know that God knows what is best and answers prayers in his own way. It's just hard for me sometimes to be comfortable with the answers and not having control.

thanks

2009-07-26T16:38:00.000-05:00

I want to say thanks to my first readers! It means a lot to me to know that people (now matter how few they may be at this point) are reading this. Thanks for you great comments!! I really appreciate them and your thoughts.

I'll post again soon. I've got a few ideas running through my head, so when I pick one, I'll do some more writing.

Books I love to Read

2009-07-25T19:57:00.000-05:00

Books and reading are somewhat of an obsession of mine. I love buying books, both for myself and for my classroom. It's always dangerous for me to go into a bookstore. Rarely do I come out of the store without a book. My classroom library has over 400 books; I'd say that I own at least 80% of them. When it's time for Scholastic Book Orders, I just cannot seem to stop myself from buying more books. My personal library at home is also full. My bookself cannot even hold them all. There are many books that I own that I haven't read yet (partly because I like to get books from the library, so I read those instead). There just isn't enough time for me to read them all, even with the large amount of reading I do.

It wasn't always this way. I didn't always love to read. It hasn't always been the way I pass so much time. Even thought I've always been a good reader, I didn't always read a lot outside of school. Growing up, I usually spent my free time in front of the tv. I still do that a lot of the time, but I'm usually not paying a lot of attention, because I've got a book out and am busy reading. In my family you were more likely to see my mom or younger brother sitting around with a book open in front of them.

The change really came about during college. I remember one May at the end of the college school year (it was either end of freshmen or sophmore) I decided that I was going to try and read more that summer. I was already making a list in my head of books that I wanted to read. From there things just took off. I read at least 30 books that summer. Many days I would read an entire book. If not that, books didn't take me long to finish. I just seemed to fly through numerous books.

In many ways, I haven't stopped since. Sure I've paused a few times, but never for more than a few days. There are a few times when I got through a little spurt of not feeling like reading. Overall though, I'm reading most chances I get.

Now what kinds of books do I read? I'd say that almost every book I read has some aspect of romance in it. Some are Christian romance, some are not. A few years ago when I really jumped into reading, most of the books were just regular romance. It wasn't until later that I really discovered christian romance, including love inspired and christian chick-lit. Ocassionally I'll venture back to the regular romance books, but my book shelves are lined with lots of christian romance books.

I think I'm drawn to christian romance books because it takes me to a situation that I've never experienced. I'm drawn into another world; a world were the girl gets the guy, a world so different from my own. Some of the books have characters that I can easily relate to, others there are very few similarities between myself and any characters. It usually doesn't affect whether or not I'll pick up and enjoy a book.

Now, don't think that I love every book that I read. There are some books that I just can't get into; I put them down and away before I finished. There are just some time that I don't enjoy certain books. I may pick that same book up later and finish it. Sometimes I force myself to keep going in a book and finish it. Sometimes I skip to the end, just to read the ending and consider myself "finished." Yet other times I'll skip to the end, just because I cannot wait any longer to know how it ends, and then continue to read from where I left off. Generally I don't like to start a book and not finish it.

Some people cannot believe how much I read. Numerous times I've been asked, "How do you have so much time to read?" or I've heard, "I don't have time to read." My response is always something along the lines of I don't have anything else to do. I'm not in a relationship, I'm not married, I don't have kids. My time is a little more open. I can read just before bed. I can read after I take my shower in the morning. I don't have the responsiblities that others have.

That brings up the question of whether or not I would trade in all my time to read for those responsiblities? For the most part, I'd say that I'd give up all the extra time for a story fit for the books I love to read. Unfortunately reading the stories of romance cannot replace the lack of it in my life. Sometimes I worry that it gives me unrealistic expectations of how my life may be. Overall, I just want to at some point be able to say that I have my own, though unperfect it will be, "happy ending."

another night alone

2009-07-24T23:09:00.000-05:00

Again it is Friday night and I'm spending the night just sitting at home. No plans. No social life. I'm sure that I could have taken a more active role in having something to do tonight, but there are so many times when I just don't want make the effort, or I'm just tired of making the effort. Tonight is not the first Friday night that I've had nothing to do, not by a long shot. So many nights I sit at home with no place to go. Some days it's harder to deal with than others. Some days I'm okay with the not having anything to do, with being lonely. Other days I just want to sit around and mope and possibly cry.

It's hard because so many of the people that I know are at different times in their lives. They're in a relationship, married, and/or have children. They just have different responsibilities than me. While I understand that they have these responsibilities and that they don't have as much free time, its still hard when I feel forgotten.

My counselor has told me that one situation is not better than the other. They are simply different. She also said that people are most likely not purposefully forgetting me. They just have other things on their mind. The logical part of me understands that; it's just the emotional driven part of me that sometimes doesn't. I guess it hurts when I'm continually not invited. It's also hard when I know that these people are inviting others who are "new."

Let's just say that it's an ongoing war that I'm fighting. Some days I feel like I've won a battle. Other days I feel like I've been badly defeated.